i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
