i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
