Sacagawea was the original milf.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
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