So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
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He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
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We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.