I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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