I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
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