tonight lets celebrate not being married
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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