she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
How many fucks given?
0.12846
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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