someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
