This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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