You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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