Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
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