He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
