So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
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to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
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Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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