I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
