I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
