My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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