what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Randomize
