im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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