Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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