Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
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