so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
