im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Randomize
