I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
i out mim tonsoeep
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
