He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
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