omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
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