Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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