Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Randomize
