i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
