I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Randomize
