Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Question: terrible or awesome when a girl give you head so vigorously that you get a hickey of sorts
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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