Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
