i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
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