Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
