wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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