I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
