Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
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I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
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