Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
