It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
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