he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.