Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
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i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
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Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely