you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
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Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
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He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?