Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
