Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Randomize
