my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
