He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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