Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
