I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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