I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Randomize
