found the other keg... it's in the tree
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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