Don't worry. I has chaperone.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
