I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
