I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Randomize
