Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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