Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
there is glitter all over my balls
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
