I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Do you have feelings for this penis?
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
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