i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
