i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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